What If ?

What if leukemia hadn’t taken her from us when she was seventeen, her life just beginning? What if the bone marrow transplant had been successful? When you lose a child, a day doesn’t go by without asking yourself that question, “What if?”. Today, January 30, that question crowds out all other thoughts. Today would be my daughter Amy’s 50th birthday. Unreal. She will always be just a child to me.

At 50, would she be married? Would she be happily married, and would her husband treat her like a queen? Would her husband be supportive and encouraging and love her more than anything? Of course, that is the life I wanted her to have.

Would she have had children? Leukemia took that opportunity from her, even if she had survived. I remember the doctor explaining what she will go through with her upcoming bone marrow transplant. He told Amy, her mom, and me that she would mostly likely lose the ability to have children. I remember Amy and her mom crying and me being just stunned. If she had children, would they be close to their cousins Holly and Jaxon? Would she, by the age of 50, have grandchildren? Wait, that would make me a great-grandfather! I would have loved that.

Would she have had a career or just a series of jobs? Amy never did well in school but she was a hard worker. Her first job was at the Burger King in Tamaqua. I remember her filled with pride when she announced to me that “Dad, a Whopper always has four pickles”. Yes, it’s the little things in life. Please hold on to all of them.

Would she have a good circle of friends? She loved her friends and they loved her. When she was in her early years of school, we had to teach her not to hug her friends too hard. She would hug them hard and not let go. Her best friend was probably her brother, Andy. They went through a lot together. He donated his bone marrow in an attempt to save her life. I know, at 50 and 47, they would be close.

I know she and I would be close if she were still here. We had a great relationship built on laughter and love. Even though through much of her life I was a weekend father, I always wanted the best for her. So, on this day, her 50th birthday, all I can do is thank her for the joy she brought me in our too short time together. That, and Happy Birthday, Amy.