A Sad Aha! Moment

As most of you know, I am a semi-retired Licensed Professional Counselor. I work with people, regularly, who deal with anxiety in many forms. In the past five years, with the increased polarization of our society and with the pandemic, anxiety is now a majority of my caseload. For the most part, I think I am very helpful with most of my clients. I wish I could say the same in my own life.

I’m not a very anxious person, for the most part. I tend to be mostly laid back and chill. Sure, I worry some about money and I worry a little less about death. But don’t we all. As I’ve gotten older, I get stressed while driving in heavy highway traffic. But again, nothing disabling. Unless it comes to my daughter, Emma.

Emma is moving into a dorm, at Cedar Crest College, this Thursday. It’s big event after a year of big events. Think Senior Prom. Think high school graduation. My gnawing fear in all three of these is that something will happen to ruin it. The prom was outside at Steel Stacks. What if it rains? What if bullies ruin the night? Graduation was at the PPL Center in downtown Allentown. What if she has an accident on the way? What if she gets lost and misses graduation? What if her car breaks down? Of course, none of these things happened and the prom and the graduation went off without a hitch. I’m sure move in day will also be easy as pie.

I finally figured it out. My Aha! moment. My older daughter, Amy, did miss all of those things. She spent what would have been her senior year gradually dying in three different hospitals. She missed her Senior Prom, of course. She didn’t get to graduate with her friends and fellow classmates. She didn’t even get to think about dorm rooms and mini-fridges and microwaves. Her life ended when it should have been just starting.

So there it is. I want so much for Emma to have a great life, that I have been letting what happened to Amy cloud my judgement and keep me from fully embracing the good things that are happening. Well, that ends today. I will stop worrying about doom and gloom and start worrying more about how I am going to fit all of Emma’s stuff into my Crosstrek on moving day. Wish us luck!