Lessons in Dying

As most of you know, seventy years ago I was born into an already long-established family of six. It was my mom, my dad, and four siblings, aged 12 to 18. I became sibling number five. Yes, I was unplanned. But, happily, here I am.

Being the baby of the family gave me many opportunities to learn from the failures and successes of my older siblings. From them I learned the importance of family, the unfettered love for your children, and that a sense of humor is a life force. I also learned from them that things don’t always go as planned, that life is full of ups and downs, and that aging changes you physically, if not emotionally.

Three of my older siblings are now gone. I learned some important life lessons from their deaths as well. My oldest brother Don, died 23 years ago at the age of 65. He died from metastatic prostate cancer. From his death I learned that preventive care is so important, and that male pride is a killer. He didn’t know he had prostate cancer because he was too embarrassed to get the dreaded digital exam from his doctor. From this I learned that living is more important than male pride. In fact, at 56 I developed prostate cancer myself. An early digital exam and PSA testing has me going strong, 14 years later.

My sister, Jan, died 21 years ago, also at the age of 65. She was, too, a victim of cancer. From her death I learned the importance of family and environment in making death a peaceful transition. When I went to say goodbye to my unconscious sister, I found her lying in her bed, windows open, a calming breeze blowing the curtains around, the sun streaming in. What a peaceful way to enter whatever comes next. Her children made sure this is how she died instead of being hooked up to machines in a hospital, miles from home.

My brother Gary died last fall at the age of 80. He died of complications from Type 1 diabetes. From his death I learned that things can change so quickly, that you can’t take any minute for granted. Even at 80, he was still a vital man. He still got out into the woods. He still took good care of his home. He still was an active member in the lives of his four children, many grandchildren and even a few great grandchildren. And yes, he still was madly in love with his wife, Nancy. Yet, that vitality changed, in an instant, into sadness and despair as he spent his last weeks in a nursing home, far from all the things he loved.

A bit of a depressing post today. But, not really. What do you do with all these lessons learned? You live as full a life as possible. You treasure every moment life gives you. You spread love and kindness far and wide. You tell the people you love that you love them. You go outside and feel the warmth of the sun, and the force of the wind, and the coolness of the rain. You explore all this world has to offer in great books, great art, great movies and TV, and great theater. And after doing all of these things, and feeling content and happy, sometimes it is good to take a nice afternoon nap. That’s my plan for later today. Whatever your plans are, I hope you enjoy them fully.