Three Difficult Things

Last night I watched, on Amazon Prime, a documentary called Once is Enough. It was about a 315 pound, non athletic, stand up comic. This comedian watched his mom die of heart disease. To honor her and to change his own lifestyle he decided to train for and run a 100 mile ultra-marathon. I’ll let you watch it to see if he accomplishes his goal. It was funny, inspiring, and it made me think of difficult things from my life. There have been many difficult things, but three stand out. An interesting thing about them all, is how much you go through them alone.

The first of the three is training for and running a marathon. Not an ultra-marathon, JUST 26.2 miles. I chose this difficult thing, partly because I knew it would be difficult. I’ve written about this run before so I won’t bore you with details. But let me share some of my feelings about this ordeal. Throughout the six months of training right up until race time, I was filled with self doubt. On the bus, in the 6 am darkness, traveling to a point 26.2 miles from downtown Scranton, I asked myself “What the hell were you thinking?”. At mile twenty, when I was passed by a fast walker, I thought to myself how I suck at this. When the finish line came into view I felt like the king of the world…I just ran 26.2 miles. The next day, when I could barely move my legs I thought, never again. A week later I thought, well maybe. An entire range of emotions…just like life.

The second of the three was thrust upon me. I had to watch my seventeen year old daughter die. In spite of loved ones around me and the support of many, I, like Amy, faced the emotions of this fight alone. Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness were the most common. Happiness when my son, her brother, was a bone marrow match. Glee when she left the hospital for the first time in six months. Sadness when she relapsed and there was nothing more they could do. Regret finished off this range of emotions. Regret that I couldn’t do more to help her. Regret that I didn’t do enough to make her hospital time more pleasant. Regret that I didn’t tell her that I love her enough.

The third difficult thing is one we all face, aging and death. At 68, I am in the beginning of this one, and so far I am not liking it one bit. The physical changes sneak up on you. The acceptance that there are some things you will never do again is really hard. The curiosity about what comes next is, at times, overwhelming. The fact that people don’t look at you the same way and that you have passed your peak is just sad. Bruce Springsteen captured this brilliantly in a line from the song “Glory Days”, Glory days, well they’ll pass you by. Glory days, in the wink of a young girl’s eye.

Three difficult things. One by choice, one by chance, and one by grand design. All we can do, is our best.